Why Your Identity Shapes Your Life (and what to do about it)
In second grade, my Perrysburg, Ohio, public elementary school teacher gave us an “IQ test.” That was literally what she called it, a test that would tell us how smart we were. It was a single page front and back. On the bottom of the back page were four math problems in which we were supposed to find the circumference of various rectangular shapes by adding together the four sizes. My older sister had recently tried to teach me multiplication, and for some reason, I tried to multiply the sides. I missed all four of these problems. I was given a low score and thus I knew I had a low IQ. For the next several years, I was in the low math group at school. The story I told myself was that I was not good at math, I didn’t like math, and I was not one of the smart kids.
In fourth grade, I had a teacher named Mr. Brown. He was probably 25 years old, and I was a student in the first class he ever taught in his life. Mr. Brown had an energy that I’d never seen before in my teachers. He LOVED math, and he also thought we should all love math, too. He had a different system. We could work through worksheets and ask for help. And when we finished a worksheet, he would move us to the next worksheet, which was slightly more advanced. At first, I found some of the worksheets difficult, but when I asked Mr. Brown for help, he was incredibly encouraging, and he had a way of explaining concepts in ways that made them seem simple. He also gave me worksheets to do at home and challenged me to keep going. To this day, one of the highlights of my entire life was near the end of fourth grade when Mr. Brown gave me an award in front of the entire class for having completed the most worksheets.
My definition of identity is what follows your words, “I am…” when you talk to yourself or talk about yourself. In elementary school, my identity surrounding math evolved from, “I am someone who doesn’t like math,'' and “I am bad at math,” to “I am someone who can figure out math if I work at it.”
We all have identities for different areas in our lives. We define ourselves with statements such as, “I am someone who… gets angry easily; grasps concepts quickly; has little patience; reads slowly; can’t stick to a diet; enjoys exercising; doesn’t follow through on things; has a great sense of humor; has a hard time getting along well with certain types of people; is cool under pressure, etc.” We then behave consistently with how someone with such characteristics would behave. For better or worse, in most circumstances we will take actions and live our lives in alignment with our identities.
Forming our identities
We create our identities in a large part based on past experiences. Throughout our lives, our subconscious mind absorbs cues from our environment. “People laughed at my jokes; I got upset when this happened; this person didn’t return my texts; I didn’t get in trouble as long as I kept quiet; I was picked first for kickball on the playground; I failed to stick with a diet; I scored low on an IQ test.” Our subconscious mind weaves those many cues into the narrative we tell ourselves. In creating that narrative, our mind takes shortcuts and overlearns from simple experiences—such as a one-page IQ test.
Another way we form our identities is through our habits. A study at the University of Bath, U.K., showed that habits played a role in defining who someone thinks they are. We live much of our lives doing habitual or repetitive tasks, and those tasks help form our identities. “I am someone who exercises regularly; I am a non-smoker; I have a difficult time focusing; I am a writer, reader, etc.”
The stories we create
One of my students told me he didn’t want to start a company because he “always sabotages himself.” I asked him where this belief came from and he stated, “It’s just how I have always been.” We then identified several examples in his life where he did not sabotage himself, and in fact had demonstrated persistence in very difficult situations. Eventually, he realized there was one specific story of a past relationship from which he was creating and re-living this entire narrative. Similarly, I had formed my view of my math abilities and even partially of my intelligence based on a one-page test in second grade.
Our identity can hurt us the most when it’s invisible, i.e. when we behave according to rules of which we’re not even aware.
Our subconscious minds don’t know the difference between imagination and reality. When we repeat stories in our subconscious mind, those can become the narratives of our identities. What we often don’t realize is that they are just stories.
Taking control of our identities
Given the enormous role our identities play in determining our behavior, thoughts and life, how can we shape them positively in ways that can serve us? Here are four things that might help you begin to shape a healthy identity.
Create awareness
As with any thoughts of the subconscious mind, one powerful tool is awareness. Take some time to write down the current identity from which you are operating: What are the different stories you are telling yourself? What do you think about yourself? From which “rules'' are you operating? Where did these stories originate? Which parts of your narrative are working for you and which parts are working against you?
Once we pull the thoughts out of our subconscious, write them down, and address them head on, we make the invisible become visible and we strip the subconscious thoughts of their power.
Design an aspirational identity
Imagine that you were an alien from another planet and you came down to Earth and suddenly inhabited your body. You had narrowly escaped extinction from your prior planet and were given this amazing life to live in front of you. You could show up however you wanted and go forward as this new person. You could leave behind any past experiences and you were not trapped into a certain way of being. How would you want to show up going forward? What would be possible for you? In other words, assuming you weren’t chained to your past (and you aren’t!), what is your aspirational identity?
Change your language
The language we use when we talk to ourselves is incredibly powerful. A friend of mine told me, “I have a temper. My dad had a temper, and I just lose it sometimes.” Consider the question, “Who loses it?” When “you” lose it, who is “you”? Your subconscious mind might pepper you with angry thoughts, but it is YOU who decides to yell or get upset. The more empowering (and accurate) language would be, “I choose to lose my temper,” or “I choose to yell and get angry about certain situations.” Remember, you are not your thoughts. You ultimately get to choose how you respond to your thoughts.
Another language cue is when we describe ourselves in absolute language like my student did, “I always self-sabotage,” or others such as “I never stick to diets,” or “I can’t focus for very long.” Instead, change your language to be more specific and therefore, more accurate. “There was one relationship in which I chose to leave even though it was going well.” Or “When I read dry text that is not interesting to me, I have a difficult time focusing.” The latter are simply factual statements that happened in the past and don’t overwhelm you by creating a “rule” for you.
Start small habits
In “Atomic Habits,” James Clear talks about how by starting very small with new habits—like going to the gym for 10 minutes at first—you begin to create an identity of “I am someone who exercises.” As you slowly start to create that identity, sticking with habits becomes much easier.
What are some behaviors you aspire to have, and how could you start very small to embody them? What if you ate one cup of vegetables at lunch, walked around the block once in the morning, or read something inspirational for 10 minutes before turning on your phone? Starting small allows you to get going and create consistency, which can ultimately build and help you redefine your identity.
“Remember, you are not your thoughts. You ultimately get to choose how you respond to your thoughts. ”
Summary
Math ultimately became a large part of my life. I majored in engineering in college and eventually pursued a career in finance. I sometimes wonder, absent the intervention of Mr. Brown, how long that one-page IQ test I took in second grade would have controlled my inner narrative about my math skills, or even my intelligence.
Our identities are an incredibly powerful part of our lives. But recognize they are also ours to understand, shape, and ultimately create. We don’t have to unconsciously accept an identity based on a story or narrative from our past. Our entire life is in front of us. We get to choose how we show up from this day forth and we get to choose who we become. And with some work and intention, we can align our inner narratives to create the lives we want to live.
Good luck!