With Whom Will You Share Your Life?

American entrepreneur Jim Rohn once said, “You're the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” And while other factors certainly define our personalities and behaviors, the people with whom we spend our lives have an enormous impact. Our subconscious mind—which generates over 95% of our thoughts—is consistently absorbing information from our environment. And most of this happens without us even realizing it.

My own subconscious mind became apparent to me when I worked on Wall Street after college. I became that environment quickly and absolutely. I wrote about this in another blog post here.

The following short and simple exercise is designed to help you add intention to your relationships. With whom we share our lives is a big part of our lives!

Repeat these steps every so often or after a major transition to keep your energy up and the energy vampires at bay. 

EXERCISE

• List the five people with whom you spend the most time. These could be people you work with, friends, significant others, or family members. They could be people you see in person, talk to on the phone, and/or text. Don’t overthink it. Just list them.

• Next, list the five people who give you the most energy. These don’t need to be people you see often. List people who bring out your best, want the best for you, encourage you, make you feel good about yourself, challenge you, and/or inspire you. Again, they don’t need to be regulars in your life right now.

• Now write down the attributes or characteristics of the people who give you energy. How do they show up? Are they good listeners? Are they positive? Funny? Light-hearted? Encouraging? Do they want the best for you? Do they believe in you? What do you admire about them? Write down attributes, behaviors, and characteristics.

• Now, create the opposite list. Who are five people in your life who drain your energy? These people might be negative, or needy, or competitive with you. They may bring out your doubts and fears and they may not want the best for you. Oftentimes these are family members as well. Sometimes these can be people from either of the first two lists. The answers can be difficult to write, but be honest with yourself.

• Write down what about these people drains your energy. How do they show up? Do they talk about themselves? Are they selfish? Are they negative? Competitive? Insecure? Include specific attributes or examples next to each person. 

Now you have three lists: People you currently spend the most time with, people who give you energy and their attributes, and people who drain your energy and their attributes. 

REFLECT

• What do you notice? 

• How much time do you spend with the people who give you energy? How can you get more time with them? What keeps you from spending more time with them?

• List some attributes of people who give you energy. How might you practice these approaches yourself?

• List some attributes or behaviors of those who drain your energy. How can you avoid acting like them? 

• How much time do you spend with those who drain your energy? How can you spend less time with those people? If they are people who are difficult to avoid (family or work colleagues), how could you approach these interactions in a different way and reduce the impact they have on you?

CONNECT

Now reach out to everyone on your list who gives you energy. Tell them! You can send a note or call them. If you’re uncomfortable, you can even say, “I was doing an exercise about the people who give me energy and wanted you to know that you’re on my list. Here are a few specific reasons or things that you do.” As an added bonus, interacting with your energizers will also give you energy. Tell them you’d love to spend more time with them and perhaps suggest a future interaction.

Deciding with whom you will share your life is an ongoing process. Be patient and know that sometimes your relationships will evolve over time. Someone who once gave you energy may become a drain, or someone may only begin to give you energy once you’ve built trust and a connection. Return to your list when you need to reflect. 

Ask yourself: Who are you energizing? How can you support others along the way? Which side of the ledger are you showing up on for those closest to you?